Sunday, June 12
i need to clear my thoughts. so many things on my mind. i'm slowly weaning myself off certain -ahem- things. therefore the sudden craze with aromatherapy. i really don't know why i buy all the jazz about scents. but i do. which is weird cos actually i'm sensitive to certain scents. but i've always been addicted to vicks vaporub and axe oil haha. buring eucalyptus essential oils right now in the hope of 'clearing' my mind [and stuffy nose] and 'refreshing and stimulating' my sluggish self. and then all the stuff i've bought. spirit of moonflower cos it makes me feel pretty [how retarded is that, am i actually admitting this? nvm.] green tea cos it makes me feel contented, even when i'm too dehydrated to drink real tea. strawberry soap cos it's sweet. very. bergamot cos i thought it would revive me enough in the mornings to survive school. good grief. see the amount of money i waste? so anyway i'm burning eucalyptus to clear my head and nose. i think i understand where the term 'cold in the head' came from. bah.
i don't know why, but i'm addicted to shopping. the act of browsing, reading all the labels, trying things on,
paying for it, and walking out with it. going home and taking everything out. even though half the time i buy things to give away. i just like buying stuff. choosing. selecting. punching in my pin number. trying on the stuff at home, or watching my sister's or a friend's face light up when i present what i've bought to her. even a small thing like buying mrs field's brownies for my mum. or those earrings i bought for my sister today. i guess i just like the act of shopping, of buying. of telling someone i had her in mind while i was out having fun. and of course i enjoy buying things for myself. esp from the body shop [ahem i guess you should know by now] or nail stuff or whatever. i just like having pretty stuff around. more than i should.
i sound like i'm crying. blast the cold. i loved eating at max brenner's today. =D sinful. what is it about forbidden fruit? i tried telling myself that eating less is a sin.. exercising is a sin.. all of us should be fat and happy.. unfortunately i convinced myself. looking at my sister, i am inspired. she eats like a bird, exercises like a horse gone mad and managed to lose weight while i piled on the kilos at camps. i hate her. no that's incorrect. i hate myself. my fat, ugly, stupid self. enough self deprecation.
my nose is not clearing. what's with this stream of consciousness? i must learn to love myself. i say this a lot. simply means it's another goal unachieved. i resolve to lose weight, start studying for blocks, and be more normal. oh and save money. i would resolve to grow, only that is unreasonable. i fully accept what i cannot change heh.
staring at the little candle angel i carved once. its wings broke off. so really it's not an angel anymore. it's nothing but a blob of wax, teetering precariously on my table. wingless. faceless. a circle set on a sector, a block of white substance growing yellow with age. i want to throw it away, but i guess i kept it for a reason. i can't remember the reason anymore. it can't have been very important. but it reminds me that even angels need wings to fly.
what is it about midnight that makes the world so silent, so still? dozens of people online, but the endless rush of cars outside my window has finally stopped. i scare myself with the cold silence of my room. thus the compulsive need for constant music. not just because i love music. but because really, i am afraid to hear myself breathe. i'm afraid of my own thoughts. i'm happier letting someone else, something else, some other medium direct my emotions and mind.
what will tomorrow bring? my nail chipped. yes that sounds unbearably bimbotic, but it really did! and i hate it because it's ugly. i hate ugliness. especially in myself. not to mention it keeps catching on random things. i should cut it off, but the breakage has affected parts beyond the nail bed.
at night
i find myself
hugging air
while you sleep
back turned to me
you don't notice me trying
to make you face me
so i'll turn
my back to you
'til you notice
that i'm
finally gone.
it must've been love.
11:42 pm
xoxo
